Do I have a life or what??

The reason why I had this blog was to write anything that I wanted to. But now, I just cant do it anymore. My hands are tied, my mouth is shut. God, I just can't believe I'll ever be in this situation.

Why is it so much harder to write now than ever before? Am I not being honest to myself anymore? Or am I scared that I might hurt others' feelings? Both are right. I just can't be true to myself now. I can't write what I wanted to, when I wanted to.. I can't just burst out my own guts feeling in here anymore.

I used to be so free.. so easy and light hearted. Why am I not the same person nowadays? Why am I so guarded? From whom do I need to hide? To run and seek for protection? I don't owe anyone, I live my own life. But still, I don't feel as free anymore.

Do I have a life? Or am I living someone else's life? Carrying someone else's responsibility? Raising someone else's children? Paying someone else's debts? God, this is so hard. I feel like I can't breathe anymore. Like I can't do as I like, for people are always talking behind my back. Do I have to act Mrs Goody Goody all the time, seriously I am just not that.

I used to have my own plan..now that all gone down the drain. I can't live my plan anymore, my life has been lived by someone before and now I have to carry on where it was left. Either that or I can stop living that life and start fresh.

Mainan Jiwa

Sesekali

Akalku yang nakal menjengah

Minta menangisi pilihan sendiri

Sesekali angin jahat menerpa

Minta mengenang kebebasan pilihan yang dulu

Buntu aku dengan hasrat yang belum tertunai

Dan memaksa diri menyesali kelemahan dulu
Segalanya-galanya hanya tinggal 'kalau'
Kalaulah aku tidak begini
Dan kalaulah aku tidak juga begitu

Tapi tiap kali kujengah kembali
Mekar bunga musim yang lalu
Dan semilir berwangian harum
Senyumku kembali dibibir
Dan aku kembali mengait benang-benang bahagia

hati.. tenang-tenang saja

duhai hati..lukakah dikau?
kalau luka apa puncanya?
kalau salah apa sebabnya?

duhai hati sakitkah dikau?
kalau sakit ubatkanlah ia
biar sembuh luka di dada

duhai hati tenang-tenang saja
lihatlah air di tasik yang tak berkocak
dicampak batu, batu tenggelam
hatta manusia boleh terbenam

duhai hati nantikan pelangi
selepas hujan yang lebat
serta guruh dan kilat
juga petir yang kuat
bila semuanya reda
pelangi kan muncul jua..

macam malas nak buat apa-apa.. tapi boring pulak kalau tak buat apa-apa.. macam nak keluar, tapi malas pulak nak keluar.. apa nak buat ekk.. macam nak buat keje, tapi nak buat keje apa?

malas ni memang penyakit yang takde ubat.. kalau dah malas, tidur pun malas. nak makan pun malas.. pendek kata semuala malas.

mmmm.. nak kene pegi pj ni, karang ade orang nak datang.. tapi malas nak keluar lagik.. boleh tak pejam mata je terus sampai? macam genie la pulak. tapi kalau boleh memang best pun..hehehe..

kalau la aku jadi orang kaya kan best..goyang kaki je..takyah keje. maklumla, kaya. kalau ada kilang buat duit kan best.. boleh cetak duit banyak2, takyah keje.. warghhh bestnyer..

.....

Bagaimana harusku mulakan kembali.. merangkai kata-kata menjadi ayat untuk kuluahkan hasrat. Jiwa meruntun ingin melepaskan sebuku perasaan tak terungkap.

Hati, tabahlah.. Usah diturutkan gundah. Jika kau sedih, aku terlebih lagi.. Jiwa, besarlah.. walau apa cubaan mendatang, hadapi dengan tenang dan tanpa resah.. Akal, waraslah.. Usah turut nafsu yang tak jemu bertualang..

Airmata jadi teman paling setia..tanpa jemu mengalir dan terus mengalir. Walau kadang tanpa diundang, setiamu tak terbilang. Temani aku selamanya sahabat.